The Day the Squirrel Went Berserk

A funny gospel song, sung by the same title, talks about a squirrel that enters a church and wreaks havoc among its members. The preacher doesn’t understand why some of his members are going berserk. He thinks there is a demon in their midst.

There were days, as a single dad, when I thought my life was demonized by a squirrel. I cannot count how many times I felt overwhelmed, outdone and out-of-control. On those squirrelly days, I literally thought I was going berserk . . . until one day I got the upper hand and learned how to deal with them.

Years have passed since I was a single dad, but I can vividly recall a day when what happened made me question my sanity.

I was in the Army at the time, so that meant I had to get my six year-old son up before the crack of dawn. I had to dress him, feed him and drive him to daycare before I was supposed to be in formation on the post. The daycare would later take him, and a group of kids, to school by van. Well, I overslept, which is an oddity for me. So, the rest of the day went downhill which included me forgetting to give my son his school lunch and me being late for formation. I endured the berating from my first sergeant who didn’t understand why I couldn’t organize my time better. He didn’t want any excuses, so I gave him none. The day ended with my son who, while I wasn’t looking, found a pair of scissors and tried to give himself a haircut. I went berserk.

As single parents, whether male or female, bad days are sure to happen. The key, which I discovered after having a multitude of bad days, is to recognize them early. That way, you can correct things that need correcting like scheduling your time better or adjusting your attitude. I know. Sometimes it’s easier said than done. But if you can do it, you’ll make sure Mr. Squirrel stays where he is suppose to — in his tree.

Bob Valleau has written for Christian radio, television and the Internet and he has contributed to three books and written numerous magazines and newspapers. Currently, he lives in Dallas where he continues to work as a freelance writer.

Grapevine, Texas… It’s the Little Things.

It’s easy to get excited about Grapevine, Texas. Of course for those of us from the great city of Flower Mound, the best part is that it is right next door.

There are some big things to get excited about…there’s the Gaylord Texan and the Great Wolf Lodge, each of which can and have necessitated entire posts to themselves. Not to mention, my wife and I were married at Delaney Vineyards, that fact alone makes the entire city a national treasure. Or at least, infamous.

My wife loves the boutique scene on Main Street in Grapevine, tons of quaint little shops and restaurants to enjoy on a leisurely shopping day. Of which we have SO many. Please attempt to wade through my sarcasm.

My daughter, on the other hand, was invited to a birthday party this year at Let’s Pretend. She got to dress like a princess, eat cupcakes and drink tea, and I’m fairly certain she now thinks this city is better than wherever Mickey Mouse was born. Or Hanna Montana. Whatever.

But for my son and I, the appeal of Grapevine lies in the details…and there are many. To drive too quickly by, or even through Grapevine, you would miss most of the history and accents of this quaint place. The streets are loaded with stories of what and who created it, and plaques and statues dot the landscape awaiting anyone with the time for a treasure hunt.

So, as my 2 year old son would say, if he could, start your adventure with a stop at Kountry Donuts. In fact, start EVERY adventure with a stop at Kountry Donuts. Got a dentist appointment? Make sure you leave time for one of the two drive thrus. Got a morning to fill? Fill it with a Bavarian Creme, and go inside. This deep-fried Mecca may not look like much from the outside, but inside, they are making dreams come to life.

And then, start walking. Share your donuts with the gentleman on the bench.

Think about the folks who found this area,

And those who made it what it is today.

I promise you, you will find something in this place that speaks to you.

Jay Lessons is a novice ‘burb daddy, a husband-in-training, and a sarcastic elitist. You can find more of his reflective rants at HalftimeLessons.com.

It is Their Turn

Somewhere today a kid is stepping onto a playing field.

Her first soccer game in her speedy pink shoes, his first freshman at-bat. And that standout day will be punctuated in some cases not by how well your child played, but by how you led them to the field.

We have all seen the stories in the news, tragic in some cases, about parents who went too far. And yet, most of us consider those cautionary tales as extreme, and nothing like what actually happens at our kids’ games. I gotta tell you, though, some of the rest of you aren’t impressing us much either.

Do you remember what it felt like to be eight years old, standing on that mound?

On that field?

Were you standing there wondering what flavor slush you would get after the game, or were you sick with worry about what your Dad would say about the grounder you fumbled? Or if he’d start trouble with that guy in the stands. Again.

It’s been awhile, I know.

Maybe 20 years?

Maybe 30?

You didn’t get picked, you struck out.

One second, one lapse in concentration and that ball went sailing by, much like your youth. I hope for the sake of the relationship you have with your child that you finally realize this cold hard fact. It is no longer your turn to play.

It’s his.

I’ve heard some of your pathetic arguments. Competition builds inner strength and commitment. Scholarships aren’t given to the weak and carefree. Talent is wasted without focus. I have news for you. If you put that kid on that field, he will learn with your help, or without it. And he will love you for your guidance and encouragement, or hate you for being the embarrassment at the game instead of the father who should have been.

Sports didn’t get hyper-competitive, my friend, you did. You invented the two-a-day, the club team, and the smack-talk. Sports turned into stepping stones for higher education, revenue generators for schools, proving grounds for respect and adoration, and the place where parent-child relationships went on the disabled list.

Reign it in.

Pull it back.

I know this is tough to accept, but this isn’t your turn at bat, it’s his. If he hits that ball it won’t make up for the one you missed. The only thing you can do to help that kid now is to develop his sportsmanship, and pure love of the game.

The good news is that after all these years, you will get to play this time. And you can play really well, or you can really strike out. The only way the “w” in the win column will be yours today, however, is if your child feels your pride and encouragement no matter what happens at the plate.

Your kid and I are hoping you’ll just do your best, and have fun.

Jay Lessons is a novice ‘burb daddy, a husband-in-training, and a sarcastic elitist. You can find more of his reflective rants at HalftimeLessons.com.

A Letter To Our Daughter.

Hey, sweet girl.

Your mom and I have thought about this day for a long time. And been excited. And worried.

The thing is, we can barely remember us without you anymore. We know we were happy before you came to be with us, but the crushing love and pride we have for you makes it hard to remember a picture without your magical eyes, and infectious smile.

Today we realized that you have been moving away from us for a long time. You’ve been collecting pieces of us to pack in your pink backpack… and as you take the steps of your life, the story of us will, in part, be written by you.

You’ve learned so much already, big girl. What’s right, and mean, and what’s sweet, and fair. We need you to remember those things now. There will be a lot to think about, we know. Teachers, and friends, manners, and strangers. And we know you can do it.

As much as we want to hold you here forever, we know you have places to go. Daddy had a great plan to keep you here until you were 30, but I’m learning that my happiness won’t always be your happiness. A doctor, a teacher, or a princess still need to learn everything they can. So listen close, and always be smart.

And today if you see Mommy crying, or if you see Daddy trying to be strong, just give us your best smile to light up our hearts. We’re a little sad, but we’re mostly proud. Of you. And us.

We’ll be here when you need.

And please. Come home soon.

Jay Lessons is a novice ‘burb daddy, a husband-in-training, and a sarcastic elitist. You can find more of his reflective rants at HalftimeLessons.com.

The Hoopty Bu

Hubs drives a ’98 Chevy Malibu which he has affectionately named Bu (pronounced Boo).  I’m pretty sure that his love for this car is a very close forth place after me and the kids (well most days- I’m sure that there are some days that it moves up to the number one spot).

For the life of me I cannot figure out why he loves this car so much.  It has no modern amenities- like those newfangled CD players.  Nope his “Bu” only plays cassettes.  Actually it doesn’t even play cassettes anymore.  He took it to our mechanic and something happened where his radio got locked and he can’t figure out the pin to unlock it.

If you’re wondering how a radio gets locked- it was the theft deterrent system that ’98 Malibu’s have and apparently it works very well.  You can steal my radio- but without the code you can’t play it- take that sucker.

So Hubs has no radio now.  He also doesn’t really have a gear shift.  I can see doing without a radio, but a faulty gear shift?  Apparently he has it rigged just right to where you pop it into the “sweet spot” and it works.  When it’s not in the “sweet spot” it looks like this:

That’s about a 90 degree angle from where it should be.

His beloved “Bu” also has a lot of mileage- 187, 585 to be exact.  Hubs is really hoping to make it to 200,000 where he’ll take his “Bu” to be detailed.  I’m thinking that if it makes it that long he may need more than a detail job.

He even went through three hot hot hot summers here with no air conditioner.  For my friends that live here I’m sure that they all can’t quite even comprehend that statement.  Texas in the summer with no air conditioner- and he commuted into the city which means lots and lots of just sitting still in traffic in the excruciating heat.  I honestly don’t know how he did it for so long.  He’d convinced himself that the minute he fixed the air conditioner the whole car would just implode and he would have wasted the $300.  Thankfully after three summers he finally saw reason and got it fixed and “Bu” has been going strong ever since.

I’ve only seen Hubs cry a few times in my life with him, but I’m pretty sure that when ol’ “Bu” is finally laid to rest he will shed a tear for all of the good times they had together.

I have to add that I actually had a full size picture of “Bu”, but realized when I looked at it that Hubs’ license plate was showing and not to be paranoid, but I didn’t really want to post a picture with his license plate showing.  I mean after seeing all of the nice things I had to say about ol’ “Bu” someone might want to come over and put her out of her misery take her home.

I actually put this post together on Tuesday and have meant to get a new picture every day since Tuesday, but seeing as how it’s now Friday and Hubs is at work and I still haven’t taken a picture I’m just going to put this post up as is.  Because I’m a good blogger like that.  Mediocrity at it’s best.

When Candace isn’t taking pictures of her husband’s decrepit car she blogs at Mama Mia.

Dear Mommy and Daddy.

I don’t know why you were so sad this morning, but please don’t cry out loud like that again, Daddy. My friends asked me if something was wrong with you and I didn’t know. So I asked Uncle Chris to help me write a card for you, and he said to say you owe him money. Does he get an allowance too?

Kindergarden is SO FUN!! We all got to show our school supplies and tell about our families, so I told everyone how Daddy took me shopping to get some of the things from the school supplies list. I told them how he couldn’t find a lot of it, and kept saying that word Mommy doesn’t like. Then he said that Nana wouldn’t get him the big 64 crayons with the sharpener when he was a little boy, and that all he wanted was a sharpener, and he and Nana still have a lot of stuff to talk about one day. I heard Mrs. Crabtree say she didn’t understand why some people can’t follow directions. But when she saw me watching her she said that my mommy and daddy must give me whatever I want all the time, and that I was a princess. Am I supposed to be getting lots of stuff?

Thank you for my Hannah Montana backpack, Mommy. It is just like the one Susie has. At recess we sang Hannah Montana songs together, only she didn’t know the right words. She thought she did, but I told her my Daddy sings in the shower and he said he changes the words to send to Hannah so she will be famous. Daddy said he used to send the famous words to Britney too, but they stopped working when she got mad and cut off her hair.

My new friends are really nice, but some of them made fun of me. Remember how you told me that some kids might be different, or come from far away places? Well, I didn’t have juice or cookies in my lunch box, I didn’t know who a man named Spongebob was, and my mommy and daddy are still married. One girl asked if I come from America or Pluto. Where’s Pluto?

Thank you for letting me come to this school, Mommy and Daddy. I heard Susie’s Mommy say that her daughter was smarter than most of the teachers here, but I saw Susie pick her nose and then…well… I don’t think Mrs. Crabtree does that.

I love you, Me.

PS – Mrs Crabtree says unless I have 20 more big crayon boxes, I can’t bring these crayons back to school. Why does she hate Crayons?

Weight Loss Is Only Math…I Hate Math.

Repeat after me…Eat Less, Exercise More.

Portion sizes in this country have continued to grow, as have the waistlines at Luby’s and The Golden Corral. The southern US has become Canada’s fat, dragging behind. Every time we turn around, some guru with a book is trying to sell us on low fat, low sugar, low salt, low carb…and every time we buy what they are selling, the only things we end up with are lower accounts and lower IQs.

Forget every fad, and go back to the science with me. Back to the numbers. To the…gulp…MATH. Wanna lose weight? Put down the Chipotle Burrito and follow me to the chalkboard.

One Pound = 3500 Calories. It’s that simple.

Think you gained 5 lbs of fat this weekend from the hedonistic binging you did? You might be carrying 5 extra pounds this morning, but it’s not necessarily fat…yet. It’s food, water, waste, and fat. But I guarantee you probably did not consume 17,500 calories in 48 hours. If you did, take a bow…I’m impressed. Need help getting up now?

Back to the math. One Pound = 3500 Calories. That’s the first component. Now, how many calories do you need to consume per day to simply maintain your current weight?? Five parts will figure into this: your height, your weight, your gender, your age, and your sedentary or active lifestyle. You will need a Calorie Calculator, and there is a great one found at My-Calorie-Counter.com.

I’m 6 foot, 194 pounds, male, 41 years old, and am lightly active (and I am being generous with that characterization)…that means that I need 2636 calories to simply maintain my current weight. If I eat less than 2600 calories, I lose weight. If I eat more, I gain.

So now, if you are remotely competitive, you can really get into this. My-Calorie-Counter.com (it’s free, by the way) has a HUGE database of foods and all their nutritional info, even if they are from a restaurant. So every day, you can enter into your profile your daily weight, and exactly what you consume, food and drink. Make a game of it.

When I was really intent on losing the weight, I would see how low I could go calorically, because the fewer I ingested, the faster my weight dropped. If I consumed only 1636 calories each day, I lost a pound every 3.5 days. Plus, in the process of entering all my foods into the database, I learned what everything “cost me”, and could sub other foods in future that maybe were more substantive, and made me feel “fuller” for the same calorie total. Still today, I make a game every day of how few calories I can ingest, or what I can sub for what, etc…eating a lot of fruit, yogurt, wheat bread, and tracking it all.

Also, try a book called “Eat This, Not That” by David Zinczenko…great for fast food junkies like me, it has a total breakdown of what you should order rather than what you normally order.

One mood killer, however, the Chipotle Burrito with all the fixins…drumroll…1100 calories. A true, delicious gut bomb. Try TWO turkey sandwiches instead on wheat bread with lite miracle whip, avocado, mustard and and lettuce…only 550 calories…and filling…

And look at this: One whole large apple, 110 cals. One large banana, 110 cals. One lite vanilla yogurt, 110 cals. Cut up the fruit, mix in the yogurt, you have a big, filling lunch or breakfast for 330 calories. One large bowl of granola and raisins with skim milk instead, 600 cals..see the difference?

A recent study showed that people who tracked their diet were more successful at weight loss than those who did not…it’s about first making a game, and then keeping yourself in it.

Now is it EASY? No. The human motivational component will always be there. But the one thing I have really taken from this process is learning what my body needs, what is “too much”, and finally balance… in place of ritualistic gluttony.

Jay Lessons is a novice ‘burb daddy, a husband-in-training, and a sarcasm specialist. You can find more of his reflective rants at HalftimeLessons.com, and Twitter @HalftimeLessons.

Kids and Money: It’s About Respect.

We were bad with money. On the grand scale of Dinks (dual income no kids) who made a respectable combined income, we were surprisingly disrespectful of our hard earned dollars. We were impulsive, made bad decisions, made large purchases with good intentions that soon fell short of benefiting us, generally didn’t give enough thought to it all.

What we ended up with was a pile of things we no longer cared about, strapped to the debt that came as a horrific gift-with-purchase. And it was a long time before we were able to fight and claw our way back to the blissful world of debt free. Dave Ramsey entered our psyche, and taught us a new way of life. A life that didn’t include credit, but did create a habit of keeping our eye on the prize: “living like no one else, so that one day we could live like no one else.”

During our financial revelation, our family started to take shape as well, with the birth of our little girl. During her first four years of life, while we have busy planning for her future, she has remained blissfully unaware of money, save the small, sporadic lessons at the cash register. But being painfully aware of what is coming; we have begun the semblance of a plan to teach her a level of respect for money alongside the lessons of respecting other people, emotions, material things, and herself.

We all fight upstream on this issue. Kids today have largely benefited from their Baby Boomer and Gen X parents, and have more disposable income than some less fortunate families can even fathom. The media presents an endless barrage of opportunities for kids to part with their earned and unearned dollars…and not to the tune of 25 cents for a pack of gum, but $60 games to go with their $400 game console. These things have become possessions of status, of belonging, of necessity in some minds. Each of us will decide what is important to us, and what we will, in turn, teach our kids. So let’s not judge, let’s learn from each other.

Before much more time passes, I want my kids to understand not only what money will allow them to come home from the store with, but what working hard for something feels like. The feeling of accomplishment that comes from achieving, earning, saving, and cherishing. I’m only part egotistical fool, so I understand that these are deep concepts for a 4 year old. Therefore, the biggest challenge will be to translate my adult brain concepts into ideals they can appreciate.

Earning is Fun.
Kids want so much to feel accomplishment…which is why they are always looking to us for reinforcement. The first and most important lesson I can teach them is that earning something makes you feel great. Have them participate in some activity outside of what is routine. Set expectations properly about what is involved, what it means to complete the task, and what they will earn upon completion. Then make it fun, and make sure they complete the job. Shower them with praise, talk about how good it feels to do a great job, and see the end result. And finally, pay them what you agreed on. Make a big production of it, too. They are going to remember the experience, and the feeling.
Not Every Activity is Monetized.
Something I firmly believe in is that not all activities deserve compensation. Teach your kids about things that are done simply because it is “right”, or helpful to the family. At no point do I want my daughter trying to negotiate what putting dishes in the dishwasher is worth after my wife spends two hours creating a nutritious meal for our family. Some things are done simply done out of love, membership and duty. But if my 1 year old son sets off a toy bomb in the playroom, I can easily give her the opportunity to earn by helping clean up a mess she had no part in creating.
Think Outside the Box.
Not every earning activity needs to be based around chores. I am a huge believer in the power of vocabulary, so my daughter earns now by learning new words and how to use them in sentences. At some point, I will transition this opportunity to include spelling those words. And what about a lemonade stand? During our feeble attempt at a garage sale last year, my daughter sold out of every cookie and every drop of lemonade long before we made HALF what she did trying to sell household goods. She understood the market, and she killed it.
Saving.
Here is where I can start to teach about respecting money. My kids don’t get to spend everything they earn. Without exception, they puts half of their earnings in one jar for spending money, and a no-withdrawal piggy bank for saving. My explanation of this to them is that we save half of our money for emergencies. My daughter doesn’t truly understand what an emergency is yet, but in my view, it doesn’t matter. Nor does the percentage that she is saving at this point. If she earns 2 quarters, she knows the first one goes into the saving piggy, and the other goes in the spending jar. I want to develop in her a knee-jerk instinct to first put money in her savings, no matter what, that she knows she will not be able to touch. Then she is open to make decisions about the rest…with help for a while. Depending on your beliefs regarding charitable giving and tithing, you may at some point structure the saving portion to include these concepts as well.
Spending.
There are plenty of lessons that will be learned about spending money over the years. Some taught by me, some taught by their friends, some by the media and society in general. At this stage, I will begin to teach them about what things cost as compared to how much they have to spend, and ask them to consider if they want to spend part of their money, or all of it. I want them to also begin to think about what events are coming that may necessitate a need for money such as Christmas, a birthday, etc. Thinking forward and planning will start an undercurrent need to “budget”. In doing these things, I hope to teach them respect for their spending money, and ultimately, responsibility.
Model it, Be Consistent.
Trying to teach your kids respect for money will do no good if you don’t walk the walk, and walk it consistently. You probably discovered it already, they pick up everything. You will only help your kids and your family in general if you practice what you preach. Do what you can to avoid conversations later including arguments like “You don’t, why should I?”

I mentioned earlier that I was part egotistical fool, and I am. I regularly believe that I can control chaos, only to be disappointed…regularly. But to just hope that my kids will learn good lessons on their own would make me ALL fool, and respecting money is one I think I can teach.

Who knows…I don’t plan to let my daughter out of the house until she is thirty anyway. After she earns her money, maybe I’ll only have to teach her how to stack it.

Jay Lessons is a novice ‘burb daddy, a husband-in-training, and a sarcasm specialist. You can find more of his reflective rants at HalftimeLessons.com, and Twitter @HalftimeLessons.

My Wife Is Always Right…Except When I Am.

Someone much smarter in the ways of marital harmony told me 5 things to remember when navigating “discussions” with your better half. My wife and I have employed these points, and have enjoyed the difference in our marriage and overall happiness.

1. Be each other’s advocate. Be the spouse that talks highly of the other. It’s an incredible thing when someone wants to give themselves to you, to spend their life with you. Talk about them like you adore them, when you’re in front of them, and when you’re not. Defend them. They will adore you for it.

2. Acknowledge their feelings. This does NOT mean you have to agree with them. Every issue should be treated as “This is how it made me FEEL”, not “This is how it IS”. Too often we take positions of My Fact versus Your Fact…start to think of each situation as My Perception versus Your Perception. They have a right to their opinion, as do you, and it isn’t necessarily RIGHT. Minimally, respect that they have feelings about the situation.

3. Compromise. How hard is it to give in, even just a little? Don’t set your feet in concrete, remember : You are not “right”, you simply have a differing perception.

4. Do something different. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result? Come at it from a different direction…acknowledge their feelings, soften your stance, try again.

5. Fix the system, don’t abandon the house. When a pipe breaks in your home, do you move? I know, it’s tempting… Don’t bring up divorce like it’s some pebble to toss at the fragile glass of your relationship. Address the system. Return to the steps, over and over, find a different way.

As you can see, the person who taught me these nuggets is deranged.

I am not wrong.

Ever.

Go forward and do likewise, gents.

Be right.

At all costs.

Then decide on which 40% you want to keep.

Jay Lessons is a novice ‘burb daddy, a husband-in-training, and a sarcasm specialist. You can find more of his reflective rants at HalftimeLessons.com.